Ways I abuse my cats (according to my cats):
1. Not letting them outside when it’s dark, despite the fact it's dangerous and illegal here.
2. Not letting them in the toilet when I am using it.
3. Giving them chicken which may or may not be identical to the chicken I am already eating.
4. It's raining and I am doing nothing to stop it.
5. Lifting them out of the shower, so I can turn it on.
6. Not letting them eat the dog food.
7. Not letting them eat some random bit of glass or plastic they found on the floor.
8. Not letting them randomly attack the dog for no reason when he's sleeping.
9. Not letting them eat visitor's shoes.
10. Attempting to pat them, or not patting, them depending on circumstances and laws indecipherable to even God.
11. Not letting them chew power cords. Which are plugged in and currently in use.
12. Not letting them lick my eyes when I am sleeping.
13. Wearing shoes.
14. Food bowl still has food in it, but it's not all the way to the top.
15. Let the dog inside when he was damp.
16. I tried to go back inside when they were still outside.
18. I sometimes touch their feet.
19. I once took them in the car.
20. I sometimes come home smelling like other cats.